In 365 Days

88 Days....

Yes, that's 88 days until...and yes, that's 277 days of living with a deployment.  I don't like countdowns...but excitement grows, even with a little less than 3 months left.  Because it means I've found enough to fill 277 days; I have cried, eaten, played cards, traveled to 3 countries, had enough school conferences to last a lifetime, paid horrendous phone bills, let several inches of dust collect in my house, went to floh markts, driven in snow, gained weight, said goodbye, held a new baby, mailed a dozen packages, dragged myself out of bed, restarted my old regime of vitamins & supplements, had a root canal, welcomed my old friend Spin back to my life, faced a family member's trauma, burned a couple of hundred $$ of Yankee Candles, started the dogs on a high fiber food & am now dealing with the consequences, got my GS-09 promotion, started a food diary, completed two Boot Camp sessions, celebrated 20 years of marriage, secretly resolved on 1 January to search for the healthy me that went on a five year vacation...I could go on and on.

I never believed a day would past where I didn't cry.  I cry less, but I'm just as scared, as apprehensive as Day 1.  I've just learned to breathe.   And leave the crying for a big cry fest which usually happens around Saturday night. 

I'm living with a secret that I've kept from most my friends.  It's not my business to tell but it's hard to live with.  It makes me moody and not friendly at times.  Sorry.

I'm very lucky to hear from Marlon once, sometimes twice a day.  His phone calls to me and mine to him are wonderful. I talk his ear off usually reciting my day as it happened & complaining about that new guy who isn't so new anymore.  I've tried to restrain myself but he likes my stories. 

I'm living amidst piles of laundry & dust.  But, hey the dishes are clean, the trash is emptied, and the bed is made...that's enough for me.

I found the old me in February.  It just hit me.  I didn't question the 5 year vacation from health - I just decided that living vicariously and eating whatever, whenever was stupid and childish.  There was total disregard for me and my body and the consequences that were sure to come.  I was tired of feeling Blah, of always having an ache here and a pain there...and at 37, I'm too young for all that nonsense. 

My body is changing.  And I'm happy to give myself a new chance to be healthy.  I know it's not that easy for some people.  It wasn't easy all the past times I "resolved" to get healthy again in the last 5 years.  It wasn't easy because I wasn't ready to change.  In February...I found the motivation and I was ready.   Now, just tell me this -- why is it so hard to get recertified?  My fitness trainer and spin certifications expired in the last 3 years and I want them back this year.  Not going to happen.  So, when I'm really ready for that, I will do it.  What's so hard about it?  Finding my old paperwork!!  Wish me luck because I have boxes and boxes to get through ( hidden in the basement). 

Meanwhile, all the focus on me has kept me mostly sane.  The old insanity creeps in though, every morning when I wake up to an empty bed and every night when he isn't here to kiss me goodnight.  When it's so easy to do everything else...living apart from your love is the hardest. 

 

 

Day 195-215...a perfect Dream

Dreamland ran away with my mind last night and presented me a question.  If you had just two hours to spend with the one you love, would you do it?  Would I spend two hours with Marlon and then give him back to war?

Imagine...you are told of a special mission to pickup equipment. Your beloved gets a seat on the plane and arrives at 0600.  Only he must be back for the 1000 flight back to Neverland. 

You frantically drive to the airport where he's not where he said he'd be....both of you run towards a meeting spot trying to find each other and when you finally do...magic.

You both race back to where you parked the car and then the corridor to the Parking Garage just seems to be getting longer and longer.  When you finally make it to the car, you pull out the very tight European space, maneuver up a winding ramp, and finally see outside again, only to go right back in another garage.  Where is the ausfart?? 

Finally you arrive and the ticket machine will not take your ticket...an attendant has to come out and manually let the arm up...the clock is ticking and you wonder if you will ever get your beloved home to see his children.

The drive home is short...thankful for a GT CS V-8 and thankful that German autobahns and drivers are accepting of 140 km speeds.

Disbelief clouds your mind and you wonder that this must be a dream.  This doesn't happen.  Upon arrival home you quickly wake your children who jump for joy at the sight of their Dad while the dogs frantically try to get their hugs in too.

He asks for breakfast and you cook his favorite...fried eggs, canadian bacon, toast.  You listen with pride as he enjoys the hot food and watches the kids play their new game because they can't wait to show him how good they are.  You give him time with the children because they need it most....no, you give them that time because you are just happy they can be together and you are the Mom and proud wife and that's just what you do.

So you go and lay across the bed and suddenly he is there...and it is already 0715....you kiss and you comment on his thin frame and tell him to eat and take better care of himself.  And inside you cry because time is ticking and he must soon go.  It is endless hugging and kissing.

There is no time to talk of cars and bills and the future.  You just hold each other, you smell the desert on his clothes, and see the dust in his boots...and you can't let go.  And you try to keep the tears from flowing but they spill out.  You don't want to be sad because you are so happy he is here, it is unbelievably hard to describe the feeling of sad and happy at the same time but you are veteran of this feeling.  And with that you wipe your tears, breathe, and tell him how much you love him...tell how thankful you are that he thought of you and the children...and that he made special arrangements to see you, to shower you with love and kisses and hugs. 

Throughout the dream he is stoic, no tears and you wonder how amazing is this man that he can hold it all together--even when his daily life is in danger.   As 0800 nears, you show him the bag of his favorite snacks you have prepared for the return trip.  Trail mix, gummy bears, mini Snickers bars--all there in a little bag with a secret note tucked inside.  If only you can remember what you wrote. 

And finally it is time for him to say goodbye to the children and your heart breaks a little more as you see your son hold it in and your beloved says I will see you in July, to the kids who are doing their best not to cry.

There it is...that happy/sad feeling again...it is gut wrenching to the Mom taking it all in.

Now you are back in the car...letting him drive this time...he wants to feel the muscle in the car, the power as it zooms back to the plane.  As you sit there all you can do is count down.  Only 15 more minutes you say, then 10, then 5 and suddenly you are there. 

It is a fast goodbye.  After all there are a bunch of people standing there watching...where did they all come from?  I want a big hug, a tight hug, but he has put his soldier face back on.  He tells you he loves you and you tell him you love him and you feel the huge drops fall, but you are a soldier's wife and you quickly dry them....you will be strong for both of you. 

And then with a wave, he is gone.  And if you could you would run back through the crowd for one last hug and kiss but suddenly you can't see him anymore.

The drive home is painful...it is you yelling that life isn't fair, why, why, why??!!

The drive home is joyful...it is you embracing your love and you so happy to have felt his warmth, his beating heart, his love for you and the children.

And then you are back home sipping your tea...and you say a prayer that he has the strength to finish his journey...that he finds what he needs to lead those under him to success, and that he also follows wisely.   The last thing you remember as you wake up is that he came to protect you, to prepare you for the last half of this journey.  He came to be the hero he has always been...strengthening your resolve to find patience these next few months. 

You wake up happy...and you smell desert in the air.

elliott yamin - one word
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Day 193-194....Reamonn

Do you ever hear a song while driving in the car and you don't really know who it is but you do everything you can as soon as you get home to find out what it's called and who sings it? 

Tonight I discovered the German band Reamonn, who apparently have been together awhile and who are absolutely awesome.

Driving home from running errands tonight, I was in my usual mood of "how can I get through another day"...pushing radio buttons trying to find a decent song...bypassing the country countdown on AFN (I did not need to hear Honky Tonk Badonkadonk, although I like it).  I found a German radio station...and German stations mostly play mainstream American music...but this one was playing A Million Miles...sounded like Americans...it was in English and it was beautiful.

 

So then Mereda tells me she's loved them for years ever since hearing Supergirl and well, that one is beautiful too....and don't you know all these songs just mean something?

 

So this band came along at a perfect time....

 

And finally...

  

I Know You're Strong

I Know You Belong

I Know You Are Strong

My Beautiful One....

 

 

 

Day 176-192

I think 17 days is the longest I've gone without updating.  And now I can finally say, we're 10 days past the halfway mark...only 173 days to go.  

So, a lot has happened in 17 days, I've been to every spin class in January...a goal I was afraid I'd not make when I was awfully sick.  That's another January thing -- I was so sick.  I haven't been that sick in years!  So I was able to go to spin because the worst part of my illness fell between Thursday and Tuesday and by that time, I needed to get out the house.  I was weak but made it through.

We had sunshine in January!! 

Kelsey got sick in Arizona and I couldn't be there and that made me sad...especially when she had to go to the emergency room.

DJ has me hiding the phone so he can't talk to his girlfriend at midnight.

I bought 18 boxes of Girl Scout cookies in two days....those little girls are all over post!!  Marlon will be getting a huge box of cookies to share very soon.

I have read 6 books on my Nook which lays on the pillow next to me every night.

I watched True Blood Seasons 1 & 2 and it quickly became a favorite.

This week...something at happened at work that I've been waiting on for a few months now.  That's exciting but the wait put a damper on it a little.

Yep, I've had a full month, and January has definitely flown by. 

But in January, I've also cried countless times.  I've worried even without thinking.  I've mailed packages and wrote letters and emails and texts and Skype messages everyday....I've sat and stared at the TV not really seeing what is there but thinking about someone and his safety.  I've listened to scary stories and did my best to comfort...not knowing if it was the right thing to say.  I've dreamed of love and I've dreamed of uncertainty. 

February will soon arrive, and I hope that it's just as full as January...minus the sickness and with some sunshine every few days.  There will be crying, worrying, dreaming...I don't mind.  It is worth it. 

 

 

Day 175

Day 175 is almost over.  What a difference a day can make.  I woke up out of sorts, took more meds, chatted with Marlon, then dozed off for 3 hours.  When I woke at noon I was so refreshed and ready to go.  I haven't been this sick in a long, long time, but I'm pretty sure my body was trying to tell me something:  REST.

Now that I've rested long enough--I mean 5 days in bed is long enough, right--I'm trying really hard to focus on staying busy.  Trust me, you have to focus or each minute will just go as slow as it wants to make it around the clock.

I went to spin class with Keith, & our friend Kevin was there.  I was pretty sure I wasn't going to be able to make it through class, but I did.  I seemed to sweat all that sickness right out.  I was really pumped to make it through--now I hope I'm really better and didn't do anything to relapse. 

But now after class I still feel good.  I'm cooking dinner for me and DJ-- chicken parmesan, penne, and carrots...got to get some veggies.  Marlon loves chicken parmesan...in fact, he seems to really like everything I make -- I'm really lucky.

I got a card from Marlon--I stopped at the dreaded mailroom after my workout.  It was a beautiful card and included an envelope of sand --Afghan sand.  So I found my special bowl from Strassbourg (with hearts on it of course) -- it was the perfect place for the small bit of sand that made it through the mail system. 

 

Well, dinner is ready.  My son is enjoying Cartoon Network, Kelsey is safe and sound in Arizona, and my soldier is saving the world...

Another day down.

Day 165-174

10 more days have passed...It may seem like time has gotten away from me but in reality each day has gone by painstakingly slow.  Kelsey is back in school at Ft. Huachuca and Marlon is finding new and exciting ways to beat the bad guys. 

Christmas decorations are down but Winter ones are still up...our extensive snowmen family has to stay up at least until Valentine's Day.  Speaking of Valentine's Day -- since I love hearts, metal ones, wooden ones, mercury glass ones, & polish pottery ones -- and since most of the hearts double as ornaments, I've decided to keep them up through Valentine's and then decide from there which ones will get put up until next Christmas.

Here are just a few...from Poland, France, and Germany....

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Okay, that was therapeutic.  I do think the Holiday season went too fast.  Now that it's gone I'm hoping Winter follows; however, German Winters tend to go on and on.  I'm pretty sure it was the end of May before last Winter was officially over.  Here's hoping Spring arrives right on time! 

Today I'm home sick.  I'm better than I have been but hacking up gunk and crap -- gross, right? I spent too many hours this weekend (which started Friday morning) in bed and now we have no groceries in the house...I've got to get to the commissary today and restock, sick and all.

I miss Marlon tons, tons, tons!  The house is empty without all the Christmas stuff that we put up together.  But seeing as we're 10 days into January and 4 days past the 12 days of Christmas, I need to recover and find something new to focus on.  Up next is a long weekend...Then the end of January and hopefully a trip to Luxembourg with DJ.  Then, Valentine's Day.  I'll have lots of fun putting a Valentine's box together for Marlon since I love hearts!  Any ideas?

 I hate countdowns....but...8 more days until we are halfway through this thing!!

 

Day 161-164

New Year's Eve and 2010 is just about over!!  A lot has happened this year...big changes for our family.  Emotional changes that are so much to bear you just deal one day at a time.  Exciting changes and proud moments aplenty....Kelsey's high school graduation, her Basic Training completion and graduation, Marlon's promotion to CW3, his deployment and accomplishments that I can't talk about but are plentiful, DJ's entrance to high school, my just dealing with all this everyday. 

I can't think too far ahead...thinking about 6 and half months desperately missing someone is too much all at once.  But as each day passes, I get a little closer to feeling complete again.  This is a lonely time -- It's a sad time.  We are happy and in love -- but it feels way more awesome when you're happy and in love in the same country. 

Kelsey leaves tomorrow to start another chapter in her now adult life.  I'm very happy for her, worried for her, and proud that she challenges herself to greatness everyday. 

DJ and I start our days of quietness again.  We are both quiet people who read books and love the internet.  We don't talk much...but enjoy the knowledge that we both are in the same house quietly getting on with our hobbies.  The presence of each other is enough.  But we both miss our other halfs -- me missing Marlon and he missing Kelsey--the two of them having a sibling bond that is amazing...they have and have always had so much fun and have always gotten along so well...we are extremely lucky parents to have children who get on so well.

Tonight I toast to a great year of past accomplishments for our family, and I toast to a New Year of togetherness although we are far apart,  a year of exciting travel to exotic locations, a year of preparing to move, and a future contemplating Army retirement.

To my family....my husband, my daughter, my son, my Dozer and Diago....I love you all and I'm so lucky to have you in my life.

ps...I'd like to share this link.  This Army Mom describes my feelings exactly.

http://armymomstrong.com/category/deployment/page/3/#

 

Day 152-160

Kelsey has been home 9 days now.  And Marlon has been off R&R now for 15 days--back in the sand.  In this time, we have had a ton of snow.  Too much snow.  Snow everyday, or if we get lucky and have no snow, it's too cold to melt.

I'm back to work today after 4 great days off.  Christmas was fun with the kids -- they always make a big deal of opening their presents but it was sad.  All I did was think of Marlon.  People say make the best of it, blah, blah, blah...but it isn't that easy.  Yeah, you smile, you think of happy Christmas's before, of how much we love each other and how happy we are together but none of that takes away the sadness of just missing someone dearly.

I've decided that snow and responsibility do not mesh.  I hate driving to work in the snow, shoveling snow, brushing snow off the cars.  Snow makes you want to bundle up, snuggle, eat soup, watch movies....AND I CAN'T DO THAT!

Anyway, I'm off to enjoy 5 more nights with my daughter before she's off to more Army stuff...and hoping my husband is safe tonight. 

 

 

Day 148-151

Only thing worse than worrying & missing Marlon is learning Kelsey is stuck at the airport in Philadelphia and may be on a standby flight late Saturday to Germany....She has 16 hours before she even knows if she's on her way home.

She's alone, and there is nothing I can do.  She just called, and I could tell she was crying.  So was I, but silently.  I had to be strong for her but now that she's off the phone, I'm a mess. 

I'm reminded of the time Marlon was in Korea, and we were meeting him there.  5 years ago Kelsey, DJ, and I were stranded at San Francisco Airport because our flight from Denver was delayed.  We were on standby...2 young kids, 6 gigantic, fully loaded at 70 pounds each, suitcases and without Marlon.  I cried the entire time.  I cried at the counter, on the shuttle bus to the hotel, at the hotel counter, at the free dinner....I cried on Singapore Airlines when we finally got seats.  I cried because Kelsey couldn't sit by DJ and I.  The flight attendant obviously knew my distress because he kept refilling my wine glass.

My daughter is out there alone, and I know she'll make it home eventually but this is so emotional and so stressful and I'm such a wreck right now. 

Kelsey:  don't be a wreck like Mom...you are strong like your daddy...everything will work out and soon you'll be here hugging and kissing your stinky dog Diago....

 

 

 

I'm freezing...need to snuggle and there's no one here!